Letters to Anders
by Shinshia101
Summary: The sin that Anders committed was utterly unforgivable, and his death left no question. She hates him, yet Hawke can't seem to forget the love they shared and the moments they had together. R&R


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Dragon Age or the characters in it. :P

**Author's Note:** Never thought I'd find myself writing a fanfiction for Dragon Age but these random thoughts came together after I was playing Dragon Age 2. Personally I despise Anders—Fenris or Sebastian all the way—but I these thoughts just seemed to flow so nicely. Note: MAJOR SPOILERS, so if you haven't finished the game you have been warned! Enjoy. :)

**Letters to Anders**

By Shinshia101

_Anders, _

_I suppose it's silly to be writing to you. Perhaps I'm going mad. Carver thinks I am._

_The nightmares are never ending. The minute I close my eyes I see you sitting in front of me, your shoulders slouched, your voice full of sorrow. Your words are all too clear in my mind._

"**For what it's worth, I'm glad it's you. It was nice to be happy…for a while."**

_You didn't even face me. Why didn't you look at me? Maker, if I had looked at your face for just one moment I wouldn't have done what I did. I would've never hurt you, never have…_

_But what you did was wrong Anders. What were you thinking blowing up the chantry? You must've known it would ignite a full-blown war between the templars and the mages! Hundreds were killed that day, and more continue to die. Is that what you envisioned? You wanted to help the mages, to help us, but instead you doomed us all. Your actions just validated Meredith's words – we mages were a danger to ourselves and others. _

_Do you remember what happened to my mother? Blood magic killed her, __**mutilated**__ her, and there was nothing we could do to save her! When you came into my room to comfort me, you told me that the man who murdered my mother was a madman and that's what made him do what he did, not magic. When those blood mages constantly attacked us and kidnapped my little brother, you said that it was because they were provoked by the templars. _

**"The people fear what we can do, but to use that fear to bludgeon us into submission is wrong! And they do it with our blessing!"**

_What you said made perfect sense._

_But then we helped Merrill kill an entire Dalish clan all because she dealt with a demon, it made me start to wonder…_

_I didn't want to do it, but I was so _angry_ with what you did. If it was just you and me I would've slapped you, only to kiss you later and forget it ever happened. But this wasn't just about us. I had to do it. Your actions didn't justify the means. They didn't! Still at that moment, I began to doubt…_

**"I removed the chance of compromise, because there is no compromise."**

_Your words. Those were the words I thought of when I jabbed that dagger into your spine. _You_ became my compromise. You made me question if what I was doing was right. I wouldn't have been able go against my own brothers and sisters, with you there. You would've muddied my thoughts with your philosophies and I probably would've changed my mind and fight with the mages. _

_I know not all mages resort to blood magic, not all were a threat. There were innocents and I let them go. But, Orsino eventually turned to blood magic and turned into an abomination, the very thing that he spoke against. Do you know that he knew about Quentin? The _monster_ that took my mother from me! Orsino even sent messages to that murderer. The moment he drew blood from his body I knew I was doing the right thing – I was __**saving**__ Kirkwall, like I had done before. Agree or disagree, but that is what I believed, and I still do. _

_No matter what side I took it wouldn't have ended well either way. Somehow I feel that even if I had sided with the mages, I believe Orsino would've been driven by frustration to blood magic anyway. Knight-Commander Meredith had gone insane; the sword she possessed was shaped from the lyrium idol that Bartrand got from the Deep Roads. In the end it consumed her. I can only guess that this battle in Kirkwall is just the start of a bigger rebellion that will happen in all the Circles in Thedas. _

_Again I ask: Is this what you envisioned?_

_I still don't understand why you didn't trust me Anders? I know what you said, but I trusted you with the very thing that I held dear—I trusted you with my heart. After what happened with Fenris, it was _you_ who helped me. The same hands that you used to heal the people at your clinic healed my heart, and from that moment on I put my trust in you. So why didn't you __**trust**__ me?_

_You know, I can't even go into my bedroom without imagining you standing with me in front of the fire place. _

_Kissing me._

_Touching me._

_Making love to me…_

_Even now, as I write this I remember your words that night and your hypnotizing voice bombards my ears. _

"**I love you."**

…

…

_I still hate you._

_But, I __**love**__ you more._

_I miss you and I'm sorry._

_- Fallon Hawke_

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><p><strong>Author's Note<strong>: So what do you think? I plan to write more…maybe, well until my writers block for my other fanfiction wears off. Anyway, R&R!


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